Continued from my very first post, here: Divorce…Necessary Drama??
So…after the divorce…The parents move on. The kids adjust. Everyone establishes a new life full of peace, without the fighting and drama from their former marriage. We all blissfully co-exist…
Oh, if only this scenario were true. In reality, the lonely parents try to find new love with guarded hearts, now full of baggage. The kids build walls to guard against further relational hurt. Friendships shift into his or hers, or not at all. Family members pick sides. A new drama begins.
When marriages crumble, the Trinity is severed. Our God-reflection is shattered. The culture of our world is forever marred. Future generations walk a broken path. Consequences follow us the rest of our lives.
Children look at the family unit as a reflection of the God-head, the Trinity: God the Father, Jesus the marriage, and the Holy Spirit the family unit (children). See Eph. 5:22-33. In divorce, no matter what the cause, when the family is split the Spirit is severed. The God-head correlation is distorted. Their security in the unity they once trusted has disappeared. The consequence is a warped view of what constitutes real love. Children lose sight of God’s love for them when the love of the family grows cold. They wonder how God can love them when the example of the God-head before them has split into two households.
Emotionally, everyone, especially children, will experience the same stages as in mourning of death. Bitterness sets in and their lives become self-destructive. Children see the broken trust between their parents and that brokenness is transferred to their own hearts. Children of divorce are more likely to experience divorce themselves. They do not have true commitment modeled before them. It is easier to walk away from their own marriages when they experienced their parents walk away from their marriages…and they feel their parents walked away from them.
After the separation, the children face the adjustments of an empty house and/or a new home. Babysitters and latch-key kids replace the constant of a nurturing parent. Children long for the connection of their missing parent. Resentment sets in for the parent most blamed. Some will blame the custodial parent; feeling like the custodial parent pushed out or ran off the other parent. Or, some will blame the non-custodial parent; with feelings of desertion, rejection, and failure. Most of the time, the children blame themselves. The reality of a separated family is indescribable.
The authority structure is shifted causing the children to lose respect for anyone who attempts to lead, whether it is parent, teacher, or government. Discipline becomes either non-existent or rejected. Studies show once well-adjusted children (and especially teens) become unruly, disrespectful, and bitter. Most of the damage from the parent’s divorce is neglected, ignored, or stifled, thereby carried into their own subsequent marriages. The experts say the Millennial Generation has chosen to cohabitation rather than to marry. Unfortunately, this arrangement brings up another host of dysfunction.
At the first separation, the parents (especially the mother) are so consumed with surviving; they do not recognize the hurt inflicted on the children. Each spouse believes the children will “believe” their side. After all, if the parent does not like someone, naturally, their children will not like them either…right? Except in this case…the other person happens to be the other parent. No bond is greater than the parent bond…with both parents, no matter how bad the parent. Have you ever sat on half a toilet? The result has the same correlation in the life of a child of divorce. They feel nothing works right and every time they try to succeed, they end up with a mess all over the floor. Since the trust has been severed with the parents, they run to the closest “janitor” to help clean up their family mess. Unfortunately, the people the children seek help from are usually their friends who are going through the same. They gather advice from wounded healers, driving the bitterness deeper while learning to put on masks of false strength.
Is there hope? Is there help? Family and friends tend to pick sides, without seeking unity. Most in the church are too busy condemning the break-up to unconditionally love, forgive, and restore the rejected or the wayward. Where does a hurting person turn? We look to the beginning. Would not the One who created mankind know what is best for mankind? Don’t look at the picture mankind has created of the Godhead…look at who the Godhead really is. Search Him out for yourself.
My biggest goal in writing this blog is to help hurting people. Sometimes, we have to see the darkness on the other side of the door to keep us from opening it and walking through. I have been on both sides. No matter which side of divorce you are sitting, please realize; the side that has the greenest grass is the side in which you cultivate, fertilize, and water. Start watering with the Word. Not the word of religiosity, but the Word of God’s infinite love. Are you seeking revenge for the person who wounded or deserted you? Trust me; your actions will only backfire. Let it go…out of your heart. Leave the revenge, judgments, and the other person to God. Your peace will only come when the truth of God’s love fills your heart.
You do not have to get cleaned up to take a bath. Neither do you have to be religiously perfect before you can experience God’s love. Realize God loves the person, while hating the sin. Pride, bitterness, and revenge only destroy you, not the other person. Seek forgiveness for your part. Then extend forgiveness to those who sought to destroy you. Repentance, forgiveness, and restoration are for anyone who trusts in the Lord. Rest in God’s love. God created you. God accepts you. God can turn your ashes into beauty!