Fifty Shades of Lust

Bleach is one chemical I refuse to reject. When whites do not come out of the washer as white as white, they are promptly run through a re-cycle with a load of bleach. Oh yes, my whites are white…not any shade of grey!

I’ll make this post short. A while back, I wrote a piece about porn and its effects on marriage and family here: From a Wife’s Perspective. That post was, admittedly, not one of my best…kind of dry. I really should take the time to re-write, but life and too many other thoughts keep distracting me.

The main theme is the destruction on the marriage and family. Yet, a deeper side-effect is the damage to the psyche. After immersing into the world of lust, the images are embedded in the memory, without help from God above to renew the mind. Trust me…I’ve seen firsthand the fallout.

Most men don’t realize the women in front of the camera are somebody’s daughter, somebody’s future wife, somebody’s future mother. And girlfriends, that man behind the camera is nowhere close to the kind of love we all desire.

What are we committed to? Where are our loyalties? If you are not committed to your marriage, you are flirting with adultery and divorce. Men, do you not realize that one man’s trash is another man’s treasure? Women, do you not realize one woman’s knockoff is another woman’s designer wardrobe! If you treasure your marriage (or future marriage) your whole heart will be in it. You will protect it. You will love, support, and cherish your spouse. Sex was created by God himself…and it is beautiful. Abuse only distorts God’s creation. Love the way Jesus loves us, with a pure and faithful love.

Do we all not desire identity? At the root of all desire is the need for fulfillment. How can anyone be whole, secure, or complete if their heart is focused on the temporal? Everything, yes everything on this earth will eventually decay…including that beautiful fantasy.

The eternal is all that will fill the holes in our hearts. Put your identity in Him.

You are fearfully and wonderfully made from the hands and heart of our creator!

(Instead of supporting an industry that exploits the abuse of women, donate to your local women’s shelter instead…you may just save a life!)

Psalm 139.14.

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Is it a lack of faith to “bug” God?

Big question of the day: Do we bug him or sit and wait? Isn’t he all knowing? But what if he is busy?

In reading the parable of the persistent widow, it would seem that Jesus was saying we need to be persistent, bugging God continually with our requests. In his scenario, the unjust Judge grants her request because he is bothered by her constant badgering. The point of his parable though is to let us know that God will do even more for his children than an unjust Judge.

So where is faith? Wouldn’t it seem that bugging God is showing a lack of faith on our part, like he won’t or can’t take care of us? No, the faith is to where we take our requests. God wants us to rely on Him, not because he is co-dependent or controlling, but because we cannot follow two masters. We humans are so easily led down the fun path…to destruction. So by clinging on God’s shirttail, we cling to safety. By continually seeking Him for our needs, through prayer, we are totally focused on His will and not our own desires.

But we must have faith…faith in His ability…faith in His will. Trust.

Faith & Trust.

God works for the good of those that love Him.

Why? Because we are His children.

 

“Even though my mother or father rejected me, the Lord will accept me and adopt me as his own.” ~Psalm 27:10 (MSB)

Romans 8.28

The Parable of the Persistent Widow~ Luke 18:1-8 (NIV)

Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up. He said: “In a certain town there was a judge who neither feared God nor cared what people thought. And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, ‘Grant me justice against my adversary.’

“For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, ‘Even though I don’t fear God or care what people think, yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won’t eventually come and attack me!’”

And the Lord said, “Listen to what the unjust judge says. And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?”

From a Wife’s Perspective

What’s the harm? No one will know…

hidden magazines

He secretly flirts. He thinks, what is the harm in just one peek? No one will know about the X rated video rented from the small rental store on the other side of town. No one is up at 3:00 A.M., when the internet is secretive, where 1 billion people go to pornography sites daily. Then, unaware of its presence, lust sneaks up and runs over him. Finally, he wakes up one day under the weight of metal and rubber, reeling in addiction.

I really believe pornography is quickly becoming the number one marriage killer, something I experienced first-hand. Why does it have such a devastating effect on the marriage? …It is pure deception. Not only are the subjects deceptive to men, but in turn, the husband is deceptive to his wife, family, and ultimately to God. The industry has actually admitted the pictures are altered to make the subjects look like man’s greatest fantasy. No woman could ever look that flawless in the flesh. Quite frankly, if she even had the capabilities of looking that perfect, everyday life keeps women too busy to put that much work into the upkeep! Men addicted to porn don’t realize that the women in their fantasies are airbrushed young girls, purely self-absorbed, seeking only the self-gratification of adoration for their outward beauty; while on the inside there is only deep empty darkness.

Most don’t realize the girl in front of the camera is somebody’s daughter, somebody’s future wife, somebody’s future mother.

Why would pornography, whether magazine, internet, or movie, matter to a man’s wife? What harm is there in the husband looking at other women? After all, he isn’t actually touching, is he? Coming from the wife’s perspective, I can say, the harm runs emotionally deep in ways you can’t imagine. Trust is destroyed with the realization that he is no longer “one” with only you. Sex was created by God himself…and it is beautiful. Abuse through exploitation only distorts God’s creation.

Before he even realizes there is a problem, subtle changes start taking place in his desires. Eventually, his wife’s appearance doesn’t satisfy his needs. She usually takes his dissatisfaction personally, feeling like there is something inadequate in her, feeling not only used and ugly on the outside, but the inside as well. If she were normally a self-secure person, she might recognize the problem is not her. But most women do not have a good self-image to begin with, especially with the images the media encourages of how a woman is expected to look by our society. Our husbands are supposed to be the one to whom we can trust to love us just as we are, even with no make-up and baggy sweats! When the wife feels she can’t satisfy him, she feels devalued, that she is not good enough for him. The love is non-existent. Eventually she will give up trying to please him, losing all respect for her husband, and search for her self-worth elsewhere. That’s when the friction starts, and a vicious cycle begins.

toilet

This addiction steals time…time sneaking away from the family, sneaking away from his wife, and sneaking away from God. When my ex finally admitted his deep porn addiction, I told him I really thought he had a girlfriend because of his continual unknown whereabouts and his outward disgust for me. He replied, “In reality, I don’t have one girlfriend, I have hundreds.” Why equate lust to having a girlfriend? Because of the way man is designed. Jesus said, anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” A man’s sexual satisfaction is physical, while a woman’s satisfaction is emotional. Women tend to be drawn to romance novels and soap-operas. For a man to give himself to another it will be through the physical. His eyes pop out when she walks into the room. The husband will physically work for the family through his career. He is the muscle who moves the furniture when the wife feels the need to redecorate. He takes out the trash and changes the oil. So when a man lusts after another physical being, he is exchanging the entire life that belongs to his wife. (And girlfriends…you do the same through romance novels and soap-operas! When that guy at the office sweetens you up with compliments and flowers that your husband forgot, run! It’s just not worth it!)

Ultimately, we women feel rejected, replaced, and betrayed. Jesus said, For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also…No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other.” Some may argue he was referring only to money, but I believe he was referring to every area of our lives, especially relationships.

What are we committed to? Where are our loyalties? If you are not committed to your marriage, you are flirting with adultery and divorce…drama you do not want! Men, do you not realize that one man’s trash is another man’s treasure? Women, do you not realize one woman’s knockoff is another woman’s designer wardrobe! If you treasure your marriage, your whole heart will be in it. You will protect it. You will love, support, and accept your spouse for the beautiful creation which God entrusted you.

How do you, as the wife, handle your husband’s pornography addiction? You learn to accept yourself the way the Lord loves and accepts you. He gave his life for you. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Your fulfillment does not come through your husband, but through the Lord. Release your husband of that responsibility, one he will never be able to fill, and cling to the Lord. Isaiah 54:6 says the Lord is your husband, even when your earthly husband chooses not to cleave to you only. Let the Lord be your identity. Only then will you have the security you desperately desire.

The condition of the heart is at the root of pornography addiction, not the physical appearance. You know the saying, “Looking for love in all the wrong places.” There is a deep place in every man’s (and woman’s) heart only the Lord can fill. Only the Living Water can fill and satisfy those desires. God can take away any addiction, only if the addicted allow Him to fill those dark places with the light of his Holy Spirit. Dwell on Psalm 51 and let the Spirit of Restoration in your heart.

Psalm 139.14

Hope through study in God’s word:

Our battle is not with flesh and blood, but against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. When Jesus was tempted by Satan in the desert, he answered each time with scripture:

We fight evil with good. We fight the lies of Satan with the truth of God’s word.

We counter act the lies with God’s love, meditating on His word. We are to be “wise as serpents and innocent as doves”. Dwell on 1 Corinthians 7, Ephesians 5:11-33, and Matthew 19:1-12. We need to immerse ourselves with the commitment of bonded marriage. Not a chain of strangulation and limitation, but of life and of God’s love; the only love that truly satisfies our heart’s desires.

Click here for the Bible Online

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Loneliness

Job’s wife. Not a lot is known about her that is not negative. We know the end of the story. Of course, Job was right. His wife was wrong. But was she?

Job 19:19 says, “All my close friends abhor me, and those whom I loved have turned against me.”

Walk in peace...

Loneliness is all too common, even in urban locations with dense populations. Mark Twain called New York City “a splendid desert—a domed and steepled solitude, where the stranger is lonely in the midst of a million of his race.” Psychoanalysts have discovered links between loneliness and physical, as well as emotional, health problems. We’ve all heard the phrase “lonely in a crowd”. In the late ’50s, Frieda Fromm-Reichmann, a Jewish psychiatrist, who had come to the United States from Germany to escape Hitler, was known for insisting that no patient was too sick to be healed through trust and intimacy. Loneliness, she said, is the want of intimacy. She then helped pave the way for Psychoanalysts to become Psychobiologists, taking a hard look at the physical effects of the psyche. Since the ’50s, profound discoveries have been made linking our emotional state to health issues such as obesity, arthritis, heart issues, diabetes, hypertension, etc. There has been an abundance of studies showing married people live longer than single people. Suicide rates are highest among lonely people. Sounds depressing just talking about where loneliness leads! But, in Psalm 68:5-6, God’s word says, “A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families…”

Families. What if the family is no more? The thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy. What better way to accomplish his means than by way of the family? As soon as intimacy fades, when the marriage crumbles, before the divorce, loneliness has already infected its subjects. We sleep in the same bed, we ride in the same vehicle, we attend the same baseball game for little junior. Yet, we are strangers. We are together alone. Hopeless. Ambitions and dreams…lost. Even God seems but a distant memory. Our survival mode kicks in. The human psyche screams for escape from our prison of loneliness. In desperation, we turn to vice instead of relationship, for the relationships we have known are void of intimacy. Like empty barrels rolling down a steep hill. We turn in circles, rolling faster and faster, only to break in splinters when we reach the bottom. We take the broken barrel, and with the splintered pieces, we build walls, barriers, dams. We associate intimacy with vulnerability…pain. Divorce and death are but the same. The ripping apart of two souls. Marriage makes two become one. Sound biblical? I’m not talking physical. A prostitute can be one physically, but not intimately. To be vulnerable enough to become one with another equates to intimacy. When intimacy is shattered, families disintegrate, societies fall.

What great loss to bear. Right along with Job, his wife lost her home, her knickknacks, her children, her station in society, even her friends. Her cry for Job to “curse God and die” seeps from the depths of a shattered life. In her deep despair, she needed answers, she needed strength, she needed to be rescued. She could not see past her great pain. I may be wrong, but have my suspicions that she was a good person, in spite of her negativity born from deep pain. Have we not all said things in the midst of battle that later turned into regret? Are we any less guilty of turning a deaf ear to the Lord when in the midst of our own deep pain? Yes, there have been times when I have found myself on my bathroom floor in a fetal position internally screaming, “Why Lord, Why?”

And then came Job. Her strength. Her rock. Intimacy? We can guess that through the pain and disagreements, they remained a marital one. The story does not indulge on Job’s wife’s character, not even giving her a name. But in the end, she lives. In the end, she is doubly blessed at Job’s side. Some stories have a greater level of inspiration than meets the eye.

Where is hope? Where is God? Questions asked of Job. When everything is lost, who or what fills the hole? Do we follow our friends, just to avoid loneliness? Do we blame-shift, just to hang on to our pride? What do we do with our pain? Yes, Job was right. We will eventually find our way to the other side of our pain. Even after broken relationships, we will pick up the pieces and go on, pushing through the consequences. But the choice to fill the deep holes in our soul comes only through a God filled heart. Choosing the eternal over the temporary. Job knew God was his source of life, and death. He knew we humans do not have the capability to see the whole picture, the future, or the eternal. Society does not have answers, only assumptions. But, trusting our existence to another entity is creating vulnerability. Do we dare to be intimate? Even with our creator? Do we have a choice? Of course. We can choose to be lonely…or choose to step into the intimacy of God’s love.

Job’s family had problems, but he stood faithful. Job’s wife had doubts, but Job not only stayed faithful to God, he stayed faithful to her. He did not cast her off like most would have when she only had the strength to curse. He stood faithful. In the midst of her pain, even though she succumbed to cursing Job…and God, she did not leave, but stayed by Job’s side. She chose the faithful.

Though we question, though we doubt, God has the same (yet perfect) character as Job. He does not cast us off when we lash out through our pain. He stays faithful to us. He loves us when we behave badly, for he sees our pain. He knows the other side. Through His faithfulness, blessings flow. The “Job” people are the ones who keep families together. The rocks who build. They are the rocks we trust with our intimacy, because of their intimacy with God. And when we do not have a “Job” in our life? God sent Jesus. His redemptive Holy Spirit will gather you to Him.

Intimacy. Disintegrates. Loneliness.

Isaiah 43.18

Resources:

http://www.biblegateway.com/

www.newrepublic.com/article/113176/science-loneliness-how-isolation-can-kill-you

http://nymag.com/news/features/52450/index1.html

https://www.google.com/

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False Assumptions

On our Indiana farm, when the snow falls, the fields are but a blanket of white covering the ground. It is absolutely beautiful, and of course I am continually snapping pictures. Our farm is always full of photographic moments.

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However, on the coldest night of the season last year, Elsie, one of our dairy cows, went into labor. The calf was breech so the next night, my husband called the Vet to assist with the birth. Unfortunately, by that time, the calf had died, bloated inside, and Elsie was fading fast. After working on her for a while, the Vet finally said there was no hope, she was not going to make it. He turned to my husband and chastised him for not calling earlier that morning. The Vet let him know just how horrible his farming abilities were. How could any farmer neglect a cow, resulting in the death of both cow and calf? The farmer did not respond. Being a city girl, I could not respond either. This was the first time I had ever witnessed something so ugly, and I was trying to process the magnitude of what just happened. The vet left disgusted.

If only he had known the events of the previous 24 hours…

???????????????????????????????

The snow had been falling all day, and by evening it was pretty much a white-out. Here in this Indiana farm, the wind blows like an Oklahoma prairie. My poor husband was outside in sub-zero temperatures trying to make sure the animals were fed and gathered in protected areas. He noticed Elsie was starting to calve, and proceeded to corral her into the barn where she could give birth in a calmer, more protected environment. She must have been frightened by the fierce snow storm and turned toward the pasture at full speed. He ran after her but the snow was falling so thick it completely covered her trail. He came back for a flashlight and headed out again. As the temperature was already below zero, he was eventually forced to come inside to keep his feet and hands from frost-bite.  If he would have been gone much longer, I would have gone out after him and in the white-out we both might have frozen to death while looking for each other, along with the cow. Early the next morning, he took Salty, the herd dog, and headed out to the fields to find and bring in Elsie. But, she was nowhere to be found. The ground was covered with at least twelve inches of fresh snow, and even Salty was unable to pick up any tracks or scent of the cow. The temperature was so low it was too dangerous for the dog to be out long. My farmer brought the herd in to milk, and then went out to look for Elsie again. Finally, she wandered up to the back of the barn about dusk and he was able to lead her into the barn where he had made a bed for her with hay bales and immediately called the vet. The tracks she left led back to the woods. No farmer ever would have found her in the white-out the night before.

I think you can see by now the point to this little story. How often do we jump to conclusions and pass judgment based on partial information? The vet based his opinion of the farmer on what he saw…not knowing anything about the previous night. Nor did he ask. How would his opinion change if he had been here the night before with my husband outside freezing in the sub-zero snowfall? Instead of leaving in a heap of disgust, he would be crying with the farmer and giving him a hero’s pat on the back for trying so hard to save the cow and calf. What a difference the other side of the story makes in our conclusions. There is always more than one side to every story. How different might we see things when we dig deeper. The sin of assumption…

How many lives have been destroyed from gossip based on the word of one who only knows in part? How often have false accusations based on judgments derived from partial information led to destroyed relationships? How hard is trust to regain? I believe we have all come across those who decided to dislike us based on the biased words of another.

Forgiveness. Wisdom. Prayer. The knowing that the only one to whom we are responsible knows all. The Lord knows the other side of the story. He gives comfort to hurting hearts. The 27th Psalm of David says, “Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me.” In other words, though every person turns against us, usually based on misleading information, the Lord knows the heart, and will, as Isaiah 54 puts it, “refute every tongue that accuses us.” He will hold us in the palm of His hand and dry every tear. The knowledge of God’s amazing love gives us the power to forgive those offenses and be aware of misleading situations so as to not offend others ourselves. No matter what floats about in the thoughts of others, we can rest in the comforting arms of the Lord, for He is where truth abides.

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After Divorce…A New Drama Begins…

Continued from my very 1st post

So…after the divorce…The parents move on. The kids adjust. Everyone establishes a new life full of peace, without the fighting and drama from their former marriage. We all blissfully co-exist…

Oh, if only this scenario were true. In reality, the lonely parents try to find new love with guarded hearts, now full of baggage. The kids build walls to guard against further relational hurt. Friendships shift into his or hers, or not at all. Family members pick sides. A new drama begins.

When marriages crumble, the Trinity is severed. Our God-reflection is shattered. The culture of our world is forever marred. Future generations walk a broken path. Consequences follow.

Children look at the family unit as a reflection of the God-head, the Trinity: God the Father, Jesus the marriage, and the Holy Spirit the family unit (Eph. 5:22-33). In divorce, no matter what the cause, the family is split, and the Spirit is severed. The God-head correlation is distorted. Their security in the unity they once rested has disappeared. The consequence is a warped view of what constitutes love. Children lose sight of God’s love for them when the love of the family grows cold. They wonder how God can love them when the example of the God-head before them has split into two households.

Emotionally, everyone, especially children, will experience the same stages as in mourning of death. Bitterness sets in and their lives become self-destructive. Children see the broken trust between their parents and that brokenness is transferred to their own hearts. Children of divorce are more likely to experience divorce themselves. They do not have true commitment modeled before them. It is easier to walk away from their own marriages when they experienced their parents walk away from their marriages…and they feel their parents walked away from them.

After the separation, the children face the adjustments of an empty house and/or a new home. Babysitters and latch-key kids replace the constant of a nurturing parent. Children long for the connection of their missing parent. Resentment sets in for the parent most blamed. Some will blame the custodial parent; feeling like the custodial parent pushed out or ran off the other parent. Or, some will blame the non-custodial parent; with feelings of desertion, rejection, and failure. Most of the time, the children blame themselves. The reality of a separated family is indescribable.

The authority structure is shifted causing the children to lose respect for anyone who attempts to lead, whether it is parent, teacher, or government. Discipline becomes either non-existent or rejected. Studies show once well-adjusted children (and especially teens) become unruly, disrespectful, and bitter. Most of the damage from the parent’s divorce is neglected, ignored, or stifled, thereby carried into their own subsequent marriages. The experts say the Millennial Generation has chosen to cohabitation rather than to marry. Unfortunately, this arrangement brings up another host of dysfunction.

At the first separation, the parents (especially the mother) are so consumed with surviving; they do not recognize the hurt inflicted on the children. Each spouse believes the children will “believe” their side. After all, if the parent does not like someone, naturally, their children will not like them either…right? Except in this case…the other person happens to be the other parent. No bond is greater than the parent bond…with both parents. Have you ever sat on half a toilet? The result has the same correlation in the life of a child of divorce. They feel nothing works right and every time they try to succeed, they end up with a mess all over the floor. Since the trust has been severed with the parents, they run to the closest “janitor” to help clean up their family mess. Unfortunately, the people the children seek help from are usually their friends who are going through the same. They gather advice from wounded healers, driving the bitterness deeper while learning to put on masks of false strength.

Is there hope? Is there help? Family and friends tend to pick sides, without seeking unity. Most in the church are too busy condemning the break-up to unconditionally love, forgive, and restore the rejected or the wayward. Where does a hurting person turn? Look to the beginning. Would not the one who created mankind know what is best for mankind? Don’t look at the picture mankind has created of the Godhead…look at who the Godhead really is. Search Him out for yourself.

My biggest goal in writing this blog is to help hurting people. Sometimes, we have to see the darkness on the other side of the door to keep us from opening it and walking through. I have been on both sides. No matter which side of divorce you are sitting, please realize; the side that has the greenest grass is the side in which you cultivate, fertilize, and water. Start watering with the Word. Not the word of religiosity, but the Word of God’s infinite love. Are you seeking revenge for the person who wounded or deserted you? Trust me; your actions will only backfire. Let it go…out of your heart. Leave the revenge, judgments, and the other person to God. Your peace will only come when the truth of God’s love fills your heart.

You do not have to get cleaned up to take a bath. Neither do you have to be religiously perfect before you can experience God’s love. Realize God loves the person, while hating the sin. Pride, bitterness, and revenge only destroy you, not the other person. Seek forgiveness for your partThen extend forgiveness to those who sought to destroy you. Repentance, forgiveness, and restoration. Rest in God’s love. God created you. God accepts you. God can turn your ashes into beauty.

 Isaiah 61.3

Isaiah 61

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Divorce…Necessary Drama??

The crumbling of mankind…

Where does it start? With one word. With one lie. With one man. Adam. Where does it end? With one word. With one truth. With one man. You.

Societies breakdown? The family. Like the frog in the pot of boiling water dying one degree at a time, one lie at a time. Then, one day, the steam is so thick that reality is completely distorted. Finally, we wake up to find ourselves immersed in dysfunction.

mt-olivet-cemeteryThese are just my rambling thoughts on divorce. Some of my writing are my observations from the many divorces around me, but most are from my own experience. You may or may not have similar experiences. But, we can all glean from other’s mistakes in some form or fashion.

We live in a transient world. Not just physically, but socially, philosophically, and emotionally. As I am in the final laps of life, I have seen divorce destroy families, friends, and society. If your marriage is falling apart and you find no other way out, I’ve been there. Nothing hurts more than the death of a dream, the death of a unit. The ONLY thing divorce can be blamed on is selfish pride from one or both parties. Our society is set on blame-shifting, which comes from the pride of never being wrong. So, it becomes his/her fault. Personal responsibility is taboo, and the cycle of destruction continues.

Ecclesiastes 4.9

The divorce rate in America is over 50%. The media proves to be pro-divorce and anti-family. We have lost the generations who modeled stability. If ‘everybody’ is doing it, the grass must be better on the other side, right? The reality is; we only trade one problematic life for another. What really happens to our lives after divorce? Is not the divorce supposed to take us out of our tumultuous situation into single bliss? Will not the kids be better off without mom and dad fighting all the time? What about commitment? What kind of example are the kids following? These questions and many more receive varied responses depending on which side of divorce you stand, pre or post.

Long before the marriage ends, emotional separation begins before the first one moves out or the papers are filed. I love the frog in the boiling water description. That frog could have croaked for help to get out of the pan and into the pond long before the water boiled. Was it ignorance? Maybe. Its own comfort? Possibly. A wise man (Solomon) once said, Folly brings joy to one who has no sense, but whoever has understanding keeps a straight course. Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed. Pride keeps us (especially men) from seeking counsel, asking for help, or even admitting the marriage is less than perfect. So we stay in our rut of dysfunction, until the pot boils dry. Marriages can be saved. God really can turn your ashes into beauty (Isaiah 61). We need to set aside our pride and learn the art of forgiveness.

Unrealistic expectations are often the cause of many a conflict. Frustration creeps in when someone does not live up to your desires and wants. In their quest to satisfy unrealistic desires, women tend to turn to soap-operas and men tend to turn to pornography. Women feed the emotion while men feed the physical. Women evolve their world around her kids and men evolve their world around his work. Both live in false reality.

Typically women expect their husband to be their “everything”. God did not create any man to be their sources for wholeness…see Isaiah 54. Women depend on men to be their provider (or at least a co-provider), their protector, best friend, etc. Men are expected to be a warrior as well as an empathetic confidant. Men are expected to be a conqueror as well as provide the emotional fulfillment of a fluffy girlfriend. Bitterness creeps in when the girl realizes their man was not created for both roles and is not able to fulfill their every need. After the honeymoon when she wakes up to find he is not Prince Charming, her resentment begins. Respect is quickly lost. The lack of respect for men in our society is the root of the “man-bashing” mentality. If only women would realize that God is their only source for wholeness and the only one who can fill their desires, then they will have the freedom to release their husbands of unrealistic responsibilities and appreciate him for the person which he was created.

God’s path teaches husbands to love their wives and women to respect their husbands. Scripture has several examples, as in Ephesians 5:33, Paul points out, “Each one of you must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” Wouldn’t it be easier the other way around? After all, men do not love naturally, they only want to conquer. And, women do not respect naturally, they only want to control.

In our society, the Women’s Liberation movement exposed the sin-nature that causes women to seek to control man and causes men to avoid women. No matter how you feel about “submission” and “head of the house” you must admit we were all created for individual purposes. Not just in marriage, but in work, in church, in community, etc. We all function best when we are doing what comes naturally. When envy creeps in, we stop being satisfied with the station we are in and seek to overtake those in our path. This overtaking has been going on since the garden. Just like a church, a business, or a government will not function without a hierarchy, or what we call “the pecking order”, neither will a family function properly without order. When an establishment does not have clear lines for each position, they only have chaos. The same goes for a church, a sports team, and especially the family. The problems begin when one or both cross the line of unity and one or both set out to control the other. Sin makes everyone want to be in control…not only of their own lives, but also the lives of the ones around them. Love makes everyone want the best for the other person or the family. No matter what the station (family, work place, sports team, etc.) submission is fought and lost when the one in authority demeans and controls the counterpart. No wife willingly respects and submits to a controlling husband…and no husband loves a controlling wife. When someone tries to control another, respect is lost on both sides. When respect is lost, so is love.

For men, the same is also true when they expect their wife to completely fulfill their desires. After the honeymoon, when he wakes up in the morning to find she is not the woman on the Vanity Fair magazine cover, his disgust begins. Typically, men expect their wives to physically remain the same as the day they met, not accepting the decay of the human body. Men are generally creatures of sight, not emotion. Countless marriages are lost to mid-life crisis and skinny girlfriends twenty years younger; indicative of a shallow society stamped by our entertainment industry. The porn industry is rampant due to men searching to fill needs that only God can fill. The saying, “Looking for love in all the wrong places” is ever so true. So long as men have perfectly formed, airbrushed, young women before them on TV, internet, etc., they will never be satisfied with their imperfect, flawed, and aging wife. These images overflow into the bedroom. She will never feel acceptable to her husband, which then flows over into all other relationships. She begins to see herself as inferior and unworthy, which in turn, causes the husband to lose interest and find satisfaction elsewhere. (More on the pain of porn: here.) Porn is not the only distraction or addiction to a man. Often times it is work, or fast cars, or sports, etc., or car salesmen get rich money-making schemes.

Bitterness and anger sets in when he begins to view his wife as a liability rather than an asset. He feels resentment when his paycheck is used for the family, when his time is engulfed in the family, and when he is faced with the everyday responsibility of family tasks. God says in Genesis 2:24, and Jesus repeats the same in Matthew 19:5; “A man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” And also, Jesus states in Matthew 5:28, “But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” So, if a man treats his wife as if he is looking in a mirror, as he would want to be treated, would he not want to leave all others and have eyes for her only? A husband is not married in the way God intended unless he is united as one with his wife. Anything less is only a room-mate. Paul states in Ephesians 5:32, “This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.” And in verse 25, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Now if Marriage is a correlation between Christ and the Church, should the husband feel comfortable dabbling in addictions outside the marriage by placing value on others above his wife? (This pretty much sums up my experience. I not only had to deal with not measuring up to his unrealistic standards, I had to deal with knowing the marital love and unity) would never exist.

So, how does our modern society handle marriages that have disintegrated? We divorce. After all, a no-fault divorce is much easier than being vulnerable enough to work through hard issues, admit faults, and rebuild on better ground. Pride refuses to let couples be vulnerable to each other. Not only out of fear of being hurt, but no one wants to find that they may actually be wrong. The fault is always the other person, right? Everyone is a victim. No one is the villain. Even when one spouse refuses counsel, the other is still blamed. Lies begin. Lives are destroyed.

Who wins? No one.

We find ourselves battered and torn apart.

Alone.

1 John 4.18

Continued … A new drama then begins…

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The words of Malachi 2:13-16:

“And this again you do. You cover the Lord’s altar with tears, with weeping and groaning because he no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor at your hand. You ask, “Why does he not?” Because the Lord was witness to the covenant between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant. Has not the one God made and sustained for us the spirit of life? And what does he desire? Godly offspring. So take heed to yourselves, and let none be faithless to the wife of his youth. “For I hate divorce, says the Lord the God of Israel, and covering one’s garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts. So take heed to yourselves and do not be faithless.”

 

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