(For the 1st half of this post, read here… Do You Really Want to be a Stepparent? Then come back!)
What is a stepparent to expect?
I started this post quite a while ago but decided, because of the negative nature of lengthy blogs, I would divide it into two posts. I’m afraid it’s still a bit lengthy. ;) This post may not make sense without reading through the first post (here), but they are thoughts from two different directions. I’ve used a “bullet” list, which I’ve read are not very popular, but I feel is effective for multiple points within the same subject. These are snippets of common and worse-case scenarios from my own research (not necessarily my own experience). As you read through these bullet points, some will resonate with you, and others will remind you of a friend or two. Hopefully, you will see a running theme. My prayer is that someone, at least one person, will be able to improve our world by avoiding the pitfalls of myself and so many others.
The pitfalls of stepparent/stepchildren:
- No matter how much kindness is shown or how much love is given, the stepparent is typically perceived in the negative.
- No matter how many years the stepparent helped raise the child, even in cases where the spouse has full custody, the biological parent will always take emotional precedence.
- The stepparent is not welcome into their ‘family time.’ The kids learned visitation was “me” time while their parent was single and are not interested in having to share their mom/dad with someone they view as embezzling their parent.
- A stepmother is expected to carry the load of the household chores while the stepchildren spend playtime with their dad.
- A stepfather is expected to ignore the undisciplined stepchildren with no rights to scold when his favorite golf club (insert favorite personal belonging) is used as a baseball bat.
- Most non-custodial parents do not “engage” due to the separation during the space of time between visits, or out of fear that discipline will cause the child to draw away, when in fact, the opposite is true. All too often, the ex (and quite often their overly doting grandparents) will sometimes try to out-buy or spoil the child. Spoiling out of pity only leads to disrespect for authority and dysfunction later in life.
- More often than not, the new stepparent will have to deal with belligerent attitudes of the stepchildren stemming from all the hurt, confusion, and insecurities created by their parent’s divorce. The stepchild’s disrespectful and/or angry attitude is usually overlooked and not dealt with through therapy or counseling due to pity encasing the kids by parents, grandparents, and extended family, and unleashed onto the new stepparent. The child should be taught that even though there is no requirement that they respect their stepparent, their parent’s divorce gives no excuse for the child to behave disrespectfully (Oh yes, I have plenty of experience with this one!).
- Research shows the hardest position to be in amongst a blended family is that of the stepmother. She is expected to be the caregiver while being despised at the same time. If a stepmother steps in to create an atmosphere of a normal working family, with expectations of equality for every family member, they are met with hostile opposition. The new in-laws will revile her as an outsider. If discipline and chores are expected, she will be met with the position that the kids need a “vacation” on their visitations. The excuse is they don’t see their dad/mom nearly as often since their parents’ divorce. However, the responsibility for the respectful behavior of the children falls on the biological parent, not the stepparent. It’s called “parenting.” (Note: Every piece of literature I have read from the experts indicates that discipline, consistency, and structure create the best environment for security… not vacation time!)
- Quite often, the new spouse will also need to deal with manipulations of an insecure and overprotective or jealous ex. Through jealousy and insecurity, all too typically, the ex will saturate the child with defamations against the stepparent. The parent/child bond runs deep, even when a parent is dishonest. The child is easily persuaded against the stepparent, causing irreparable damage to all relationships. Too many times, I have witnessed a parent withhold visitation and blame the ex (the child’s other parent). Or, after returning from a visit, the jealous parent will pry information from the bewildered child and then outright belittle everything the child says about the ex’s household, especially the stepparent. (Keep in mind, lies and manipulations always backfire when the child becomes an adult and begins to think for themselves.)
- I don’t think a vengeful parent realizes their manipulations cause deep anger in children and destroy the child’s future relationship abilities with their own spouse. Due to the divorce epidemic, most young adults now are choosing against marriage in favor of living together, even though statistics show a huge increase in divorce rates with those who cohabitate prior to marriage. If only the vengeful parent would realize the depth of anger they have fueled in their own child’s heart (causing the child to sin), anger that only causes children (no matter what age) to lash out toward those in authority. Thus, it is the number one cause of the “troubled teen” syndrome that is plaguing our society.
- Never reply to the ranting of a jealous ex-spouse. Learn to ignore false accusations and brush them off. As they say, sometimes the reasons are obvious as to why they are divorced. For your own emotional well-being, forgive and let God handle your justification. Oh yes, I know how hard it is to let go of justification! Sometimes, it never comes. Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” The opinions of an ex do not at all indicate your value.
- If the children are allowed to take a higher priority than the spouse, whether from guilt or pity, the home will be filled with dysfunction and their subsequent marriages will suffer. Discipline falls on the shoulders of the biological parent, and if not enforced, the family can expect nothing but chaos for future generations.
And on and on and on… volumes have already been written on blended families, so hopefully you get the picture.
What can a stepparent do? Is there hope? Can a stepparent possibly have a good or even great relationship with their stepchild?
Yes! Both families can have amicable and loving relationships! But it takes work. It takes patience, thick skin, maturity, and lots of prayer. It takes love, lots of love.
Always keep in mind, when you enter into a relationship with someone who already has children, the presumed “rights” are automatically diminished. A blended family can be successful if both spouses (parent and step) prioritize, keeping their marriage as the most important family relationship. It is imperative to build that “three-stranded chord” with God as your head.
Do some heavy research to be informed on the negative and positive impact of step-parenting, both to the child and the adults, so these pitfalls can be avoided. I’m just attempting to blog my own perspective from experience through my studies, my friends, and my own life. In all these years, I have seen very few cases where all the exes were mature enough and secure enough to be amicable. We live in a society where offense runs skin deep. The innocent children are tossed back and forth, continually being used as weapons against the ex. The competition quite often becomes childlike and immature. And it doesn’t have to be. It takes maturity and love to be amicable. Look for classes offered by your church, or a local church, on blended families to help you navigate through the initial adjustments. My husband and I took an invaluable class early in our marriage. DivorceCare is a great place to begin healing: DivorceCare – Find a Group. Not only is seeking help beneficial for your marriage, it is essential for your children. Again, you are not alone in your struggles. Do not be too proud to seek help.
“Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” ~ Proverbs 15:22
Peace will come into the home and heart when you take responsibility only for that which is yours. That does not mean the atmosphere in the home will be calm. It may take years for the child to mature enough to accept and actually like their stepparent, and some never do even with the best of stepparents. Most of the stepparent’s success is dependent on the support of the spouse, the biological parent. The stepchild’s happiness is not the stepparent’s responsibility. Yes, stepparents should continue to try to convey areas that need improvement for the benefit of the whole family. But always remember if others do not choose to live with integrity, the results are not your responsibility. Learn to ignore. You will never find affirmation in people. The Lord above is the only one you need to please and to look to for approval, and He already loves you.
Though being a stepparent is a thankless job and there is a greater chance you will be resented, never ever grow weary of doing good! No matter what the opposition, you are contributing to the future. Remember, stepchildren are hurting and broken people who need truth and love. It’s up to you whether your influence is positive or negative. Pray for God’s comfort and strength. You will need it… and He will give it.
“For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith.” ~ Galatians 6:8-10
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Search, “stepparents” or “blended family”, and you will come up with a plethora of information. Here are a few links I found helpful:
A stepmom bill of rights dangerous to stepfamilies
A revised stepmom’s bill of rights
What rights to custody do I have as a stepmother after a divorce?
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**Highlights in color are links for more information.
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Voice of Restoration 